


Weird

by Sapphy



Series: BDSM Headcanons [2]
Category: Some Girls (TV)
Genre: BDSM, Coming Out, Drunken Confessions, F/F, Female Character of Color, Female Friendship, Female-Centric, Friendship, POV Female Character, Pining, Secret Crush, Shame, Teen Angst, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 04:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2799164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first text just reads, “I think I’m bisexual”, but then she remembers that she got a new phone cos of Amber dropping her old one in the deep fat fryer at the café while trying to take photos of ‘how doughnuts are born’, so she sends a second one that says ‘this is Saz btw’. And then, since she’s already sent two, it doesn’t seem so daunting to send a few more, spilling all her dark secrets, like how she’s into really really fucked up stuff and how she likes boys but she doesn’t actually want to have sex with them like she does with girls and how she’s in love with Holli.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weird

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing in this Fandom (which is partly the point of this series) so I'm super nervous about posting it. I know this one isn't very kink focussed, but then Saz is only 16/17. She's just taking her first little kinky baby steps. No doubt in about five years time she'll have itemised lists of all of her and Holli's kinks, rated by hotness, with graphs plotting how good the sex is.
> 
> I'm 99% sure Saz's sisters are never named, so I've named them myself, but someone please correct me if I'm wrong. Also, I don't think it's ever mentioned where Saz's family originates. I've gone with the Punjab because of it's large Sikh population and the number of Punbaji migrant families in the UK.

Saz has a folder on her laptop (actually, it’s a sub sub folder, because while her parents would never go through her files, she doesn’t trust that her sisters might not try) titled “That thing I think I might like to try if I had a boyfriend”. It’s not her most concise title, but it’s how she thinks of it in her head. Maybe once she’s actually had a chance to try it, assuming she decides she likes it, she might start thinking of it as BDSM, but for now it remains both mentally and electronically ‘that thing I think I might like to try if I had someone to try it with’. (The boyfriend thing is partly another layer of deception, because she’s not quite ready yet to come out at bisexual, and partly necessity because there’s a character limit for file names.)

There’s a few different things in there, some PDF documents about safety and consent, some step by step rope tying guides, some graphs tracking her own reactions to different types of BDSM images, and a few photos. (Password locked photos, in their own encrypted sub sub sub folder, because she is nothing if not thorough.)

She’s not really sure when the interest started. She’s of the internet generation, so she’s been vaguely aware since she was about 13 of the sheer variety of weird things people did to get off, and she’s certainly always been controlling. She likes taking charge (even if her stint as football captain had proved that she’s not actually very good at it) and gets a deep satisfaction from being obeyed.

The thing is though, she can’t imagine actually doing any of the ‘things she thinks she might like’ with Gabriel. Or any of the other boys she’s ever been interested in. She likes quiet, serious boys, with shiny shoes and good grades . The kind that have so many proper hobbies that their personal statement stretches to four pages. And even though she knows all the jokes about bankers and judges, she just can’t see any of the boys she’s ever liked being okay with her tying them up and spanking them. Or anything like that.

She can imagine it with girls though. Sometimes she wonders if maybe she’s not really bi, just desperate for someone kinky (which is mostly why she hasn’t told the others, even Viva who’d be all nice and non-offensive about it). When she thought Morgan liked her, she’d fantasised about her a few times. About telling her what to do, and spanking her if she didn’t obey. And then when it had turned out that Morgan was (inadvertently) just playing with her feelings, she’d fantasised a bit about making her cry, which turned out to be unexpectedly arousing.

She’s knows it’s wrong of her (by normal societal standards at least, empirically speaking there’s nothing especially bad about it) but sometimes she fantasises about her friends too. Not about Amber, because Amber and BDSM would go together about as well as Amber and advancer trigonometry, and not about Viva because Viva’s way too put together and in charge, and if she was into that sort of thing, she’d obviously be like Saz. So when she says friends, really she means Holli.

Thing is, Holli’s always only a few seconds away from a total melt-down, and the idea of bringing her down, containing her, makes Saz shiver. She only know what she’s read on the internet about subspace, but she can picture it so clearly in her mind, Holli all calm and peaceful and totally trusting Saz to look after her. (And begging Saz to hurt her as well obviously, because cute as the first image is, it’s not exactly top shelf porn).

So yeah, it’s really bad of her by social standards, if not by the standards of utilitarian philosophy, but she does sometimes maybe a little bit fantasise about breaking Holli into a million pieces and making her cry and then putting her back together. Imagines Holli naked and tied to Saz’s bed (only because this is a fantasy, it’s a double bed and she doesn’t have to share the room with any of her sisters, and it’s got pretty fairy lights round the headboard like Viva’s got), her thighs and eyelashes wet, finally at peace, and it’s basically the best thing ever. Good enough that Deepti actually complained about how much time she spent wanking. And Deepti only talks to her about once a year since that row they had when Saz was eleven and she told mum and dad that Deepti was lying about spending her weekends at Judo as cover for being with a boy.

Obviously it’s just a fantasy. Not something she actually wants to do. Except for the bit where she kinda really does, and is just terrified that Holli will punch her if she suggests it, or even worse, never talk to her again. She wishes there was some kind of simple, non-risky way of finding out if Holli might ever like something like that. Or like Saz. Or like any girls at all. But it’s not one of those things you can just ask. Or even ask one of your friends to ask for you. Not like finding out if a boy likes you. She can’t send Viva to go and ask Holli “would you ever consider letting a small hairy Asian girl tie you up and spank you and tell you what a good girl you are, I’m just asking for a friend”. For one thing, Viva would tell her she needs to woman up and do it herself, and for another, Holli would figure out straight away that it was Saz she was asking for, and then she’d get right to hitting her, or never speaking to her again.

She’s got a bottle of vodka in her bedside table disguised as a bottle of sprite, which can be a great comfort in times of need. And trying to work through her feelings about Holli while she’s got some of her most hardcore fetish porn open in her internet browser definitely counts as a time of need. (She could just close the window, but right now vodka seems like a better solution.

Halfway down the bottle, an even better solution comes to her. She should totally text Viva. Viva who’s clever and sensible and analytical, but who also understands all the weird complicated stuff Saz can’t get her head around, like human interactions and social norms. Viva will definitely 100% know what to do.

The first text just reads, “I think I’m bisexual”, but then she remembers that she got a new phone cos of Amber dropping her old one in the deep fat fryer at the café while trying to take photos of ‘how doughnuts are born’, so she sends a second one that says ‘this is Saz btw’. And then, since she’s already sent two, it doesn’t seem so daunting to send a few more, spilling all her dark secrets, like how she’s into really really fucked up stuff and how she likes boys but she doesn’t actually want to have sex with them like she does with girls and how she’s in love with Holli. It just comes pouring out in this incoherent badly punctuated flood, all the things she’d never meant to tell anyone ever, and she does feel better for about thirty seconds after sending it. Then she starts to feel sick.

By the time Viva arrives, thirty minutes later, she’s on the verge of a full on Holli-style panic attack (and thinking about Holli makes her think about the texts, which makes her think about Holli, and she’s stuck in this never ending cycle of horror).

Viva, being the calm rational one of their group, has brought tissues, and Ben and jerry’s and a documentary about Alan Turing, because she’s basically the best friend ever. She doesn’t even look all freaked out and homophobic when Saz bursts into tears and starts hugging her, which is why Viva is her favourite. After Holli, obviously.

Viva just guides her back to sit on her bed, shoos away Priya and Gurdit, and then just hugs her, rocking her backwards and forwards and stroking her hair in a way that Saz would normally find very condescending but which right now is the most comforting thing in the world.

It’s a few minutes before she can get any words out between the tears, but eventually she manages to ask “do you hate me now?” into Viva’s shoulder.

Viva laughs that funny tiny laugh she does when she thinks Saz is being stupid about something, the one that ought to be really annoying but isn’t because it’s Viva. “Of course I don’t hate you. I’m a little freaked out, but mostly because I’ve never seen you cry this much before. This must have been really hurting you, and all this time I had no idea!”

“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Saz says in a small voice. She knows Priya will be listening outside the door, ready to report back to Gurdit and Deepti if she says anything juicy (or burst in and stab Viva with a kirpan if it turns out to be her who’s upset Saz, because while they might not get on most of the time, they are still sisters).

“Well it’s only me, I’m not anyone,” Viva says in her most reasonable tone, and Saz snorts out some watery laughter.

“I feel like such a freak,” she confesses. “I get so angry when people call be weird, but they’re right! I am weird. I’m a weird fucking freak and everyone will find out and then Holli won’t be my friend anymore and I’ll have to marry that cousin in Amritsar that Nani keeps trying to set me up with and then the US will launch drone strikes against the Punjab and our house will get blown up and I'll die.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit over-dramatic?”

Instead of responding, Saz types her password into her laptop and pressed play on the video that’s still open firefox.

The sound’s turned off, because Saz isn’t an idiot, but even a lack of sound can’t diminish the impact of the full on lesbian, well… impact play, on the screen.

They watch in silence for a minute, Saz trying to simultaneously not look at the video and not look at Viva, which is quite a challenge. After a long minute Viva says, “Okay, so maybe you’re not being that dramatic. That is… definitely not normal. Although it is kinda hot. Not the naked girls bit, but the other bit…”

Even through the shame and the guilt and the heartbreak, it is still gratifying to have been right about Viva. If kinkdar is a thing, Saz definitely has it.

“But anyway, even though it’s not normal, that’s still okay. Lots of people like something a bit… odd, in bed.” Viva hasn’t once used the word weird, and Saz loves her for it. “Remember the shit Amber used to tell us about Brandon? Like that thing with the Hoover? Or the one with the coke bottle? Liking something odd doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you Saz. And okay, it does kind of change the way I’ll think about you, but in a good way! This is just another of the things that makes you so interesting and unique!”

“That’s code for weird,” Saz says, but she does feel better.

“Remember what Amber said? Weird people are the best.”

“Pretty sure this wasn’t what she meant though.”

“Well, maybe not, but it’s still true.”

“What about Holli though? Remember Morgan?”

“She didn’t hit Morgan.”

“No, she called her a dirty lezzer and avoided her for the rest of the term.”

Viva shifts, forcing Saz to actually sit up and look at her, if not make actual eye contact. “Okay, so I swore a pinky promise never to tell anyone this,” she says, shifting uncomfortably. “And you know I never usually tell secrets, but I think maybe this time it’s justified. Holli totally slept with Morgan.”

Saz freezes, her body conserving energy that her brain needs to process the information. “She… Holli. And Morgan?!” When she’s less surprised and angry at being left out, she’s probably going to be really turned on by that. “Why didn’t she tell me?!”

“She thought you’d be upset. Because of you liking Morgan. And she didn’t want to upset you. Plus, she was really wasted. But she said it was good, so maybe you have a chance! Not sure about all the,” she waved a hand at the computer, “kinky shit. But you never know. Holli’s surprising.”

Saz sort of laughed, which came out as this wet little snorting sound. “You really think I might have a chance?”

“I really think that you should at least try. This is Holli, she’s worth the risk, you know she is. And if you like her enough to be crying and drinking vodka at five in the afternoon, then you’re obviously serious about her. So yes, you should totally go for it. Maybe ease into the whole kinky thing though, yeah? I mean, Holli’s pretty open minded, but that stuff's…”

“Weird.”

“Yeah. But in a good way. Like you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are the air I breathe. You can't begin to imagine how happy each and every one makes me unless you're also a fic writer.


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